Biopsy,"Tattoos", and Reality

After Being admitted to hospital I was moved to the cancer center wing. I was given 2 units of blood during the night. Anyone that's had a blood transfusion knows that it's a slow process. It only takes 2 minutes to have your blood drawn. But it takes hours to receive it back. I can barely remember being brought into the room. Must have been the affects of the sedative I was given. I have a low tolerance to medications. The next morning when I woke up I was still kind of confused about where I was. But as I started opening my eyes things started coming back to me. I remembered I had been told I had cancer. I was taken to have my biopsy that morning. The biopsy show the type of cancer I had. This allowed them to decided what treatment I would have. It was decided I would have a combo of chemo and radiation. Much of the day was spent having blood work, talking to the oncologist, cat scans, etc. I think I was still in shock because at times they would be talking to me and I could see their lips moving but it wasn't registering with me what was being said. I felt like I was in a dream because everything was happening so fast. All I wanted to do was wake up! Only I was awake. I finally let Roger tell everyone what was going on. I had not wanted my children to know. I have always tried to protect them. But I realized this was one thing I couldn't control. The oncologist had told me I would be taken to radiation to have other scans and be prepared for my first radiation treatment. It ended up being late in the day when they finally came and got me. I was taken to the Radiation Dept where I had other scans and received my wonderful "tattoos" (friendly reminders of the radiation) The target marks would allow them to place me correctly for my treatments. Afterwards the technican wheeled me out into a small waiting area to wait for my Radiaton Oncologist. It was very Dim and quiet I was the only one there. It was the first time since this whole ordeal had started that I was completely alone. As I sat there I was so numb. I felt so alone. I was so scared. Could this really be happening to me. On the table beside of me was pamplets about cancer and radiation. Everywhere I looked I saw something about cancer My mind started racing. I just wanted to leave. I wanted to forget it all. Reality was starting to creep in. Was I going to die? I wasn't ready to die. I had a 3 year old grandaughter I wanted to see grow up. I wanted to see my daughter get married one day. I had so many things left undone! I just wanted to go home. I wasn't ready to face this. I wanted to know why this was happening? I started crying out to God to Please Help me!! Please Help me!! I can't do this. I told him I was scared I wanted it all to go away. I needed his help. I needed Him to give me the strength to face it all. I started to pour my heart out to Him. I told him I wanted him to make it go away. But as hard as it was I began to ask Him for his will to be done. Not mine. I told him I wanted to face it but I needed his help. What ever the outcome would be I would trust him. I realized that when I stopped asking why and began to start asking for his help. I started to calm down. By the time the Oncologist finally came I was able to discuss treatments, complications, and what she thought the outcome might me. It was really hard but I knew I wasn't alone. God was allowing me to finally listen and to ask questions even if they were hard. I was finally willing to accept I had cancer. And I was ready to start the fight. It was my first step in learning how to live with cancer. When the time came to sign my consent form I was able to sign it with a new sense of strength. God had given me the ability to put my signature on the form. And I knew I was ready to start the fight!! With his help I knew I would make it!